Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Ralph and Stu

“I feel pretty bad about this one, Ralph.”

“Why?  Are you gonna pussy out?

“No, no.  Chill.  I just, I just feel like it’s wrong or something.  Don’t you?”

“What, you don’t ever do shit that’s wrong?  Don’t give me that shit, Stu.  Where was your conscience when you were fucking Stacy?”

“She was 14, man.  Drop it.”

“What’s the legal age of consent according to the law?  And Mrs.  Johnson?”

“If you’d been there… Man, she consented.  She might have been short a couple birthdays, but she consented alright.”

“You’re a fucking pig.  Hand me that?”

“Yeah.  But, you know, Stacy wasn’t just a fuck or whatever.”

“On, no, totally.  I’m sure you loved her.  My mom’s coming home soon, so, can we finish this?”

“Yeah.  But, you know, I did love her.  I mean, I did.”

“You can’t love a 14 year old, Stu.”

“I could.  I did.  And if she hadn’t moved to Georgia, she would have taken me to Freshman Formal.”

“No, no, no.  Stop right there.  You’re about to make me sick.  How’s this look though?  Can you tell?”

“No, it’s good.  Your mom’s gonna freak.  You better know how to change them back.”

“Fucking chill.  She’s down for a prank every now and then.  She won’t be too mad.”

“Yeah.  Ralph?”


“You think things get easier after eighth grade?”

“No.  What do you think when your acne clears up you’ll turn into fucking Zack Efron?  Doesn’t work that way.  I don’t know how you got a freshman to fuck you, but the rest of our lives we’ll be chasing girls like that.  Chasing, chasing, chasing and they’ll always get away.”

“That’s not fair.  No, I don’t believe that.  You’re just bitter.  You’re—“

“What?  Why shouldn’t I be bitter?  We have what to look forward to?  High school?  College?  No.  ‘Junior high sucks,’ you think, ‘shit must get better,’ and you’re wrong.  You’re fucking dumb.  And the world’s going to eat you alive.”

“ What the fuck, Ralph?  What about adolescent optimism?  Why are you such a dick?”

“Because, Stewart, I know.  I see it.  Charlie graduated three years ago.  Do you think he uses Pre-Algebra to live in the fucking basement?  We’re changing locks on my mom.  That’s our big hoorah.  We’re an eye-blink away from our futures.”

“You sound like your dad.  I’m over this.”

“I don’t know man.  We should probably just off ourselves.  Together.  Best buds.”

“I’d rather just continue fucking with your mom, if that’s alright with you.”

“Yeah.  I wouldn’t.  Maybe I’ll go find Stacy for you.  Tell her you love her.  Tell her you want to go to the formal with her.  All the way in Georgia.”

“Man, that would be great.  What time’s your mom get home?”

“Soon, I said.  Put the screws away.  And go by the window.  By the fucking window, Stu!”

“Damn, you need to get laid.  Chill out.  Stop cursing at me all the time.”

“I don’t like girls.  And I’m not a homo.  I just don’t like anyone.  I barely tolerate you. “

“You love me, you asshole, admit it.”

“I love you man.”

“Right back at you.”

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